How do I Stop Feeling Guilty?

I’ve witnessed different versions of guilt, in varying intensities, expressed by the clients who come to therapy. Admissions of affairs, a teenager grappling with their parents’ divorce, or a client who wishes they hadn’t left words unsaid in friendships—the guilt is palpable in my 10-by-8-foot office. The retelling of their stories often ends with questions I’m sure many therapists have heard before: “Where do I go from here? What do I do now?” These questions prompt me to reflect on what I’ve learned about processing experiences we cannot change, as well as my own encounters with remorse. While my stories aren’t identical to my clients’, they share similar elements: betraying someone’s trust, navigating poor choices, or saying hurtful things. These feelings of guilt have once been palpable to me, too. While I don’t claim to be an expert on letting go of guilt, here are some things I’ve explored with my clients in our 50-minute sessions, as well as concepts I mull over in my personal life. If you’re experiencing similar feelings or stories, I hope you know these experiences are normal—and that there is a path forward.

What is Guilt, and What Causes It?

All emotions act as signals, a “red alert” in response to external stimuli. Guilt arises when we feel we’ve violated our ethics or morals. Can you identify “guilt” as the emotion you’re feeling, and understand what it’s in response to? My clients express remorse over mistakes, hurtful actions, or inaction. Guilt also stems from failing to meet expectations—whether from parents, oneself, or others. Not all guilt is the same and may manifest differently for each person. A key part of letting go is understanding where these feelings come from and acknowledging their impact.

Learning from the Experience

Rather than viewing situations as black or white, I encourage you to embrace them in shades of gray. While guilt exists, so can growth. Reflect on the circumstances, acknowledge your responsibility (if applicable), assess whether you had a choice in the matter, and consider what you’ve learned. Identify any improvements you can make, set goals, and try new approaches. While you can’t change the past, you do have control over how you respond in the future.

Acceptance and Forgiveness

Often, the hardest part of letting go of guilt is accepting the unchangeable and your role in it. Practicing self-compassion is crucial here. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend in a similar situation. Appreciate the efforts you’re making to rectify past wrongs and your willingness to grow. Letting go of external validation—or the need for someone else’s approval or forgiveness—is also vital. I, myself, struggle with this. While asking for forgiveness is important, it’s an unsustainable source of self-worth. Focus on forgiving yourself, too.

When Should You Seek Help for Guilt?

Guilt is a natural part of the human experience, but if it starts interfering with your daily functioning, becomes overwhelming, or feels too heavy to bear, consider talking to a mental health professional. They can offer personalized tools to help you navigate your unique journey with guilt. Letting go of guilt, like all difficult things, takes time. It takes time to identify, acknowledge, accept, learn from, and move forward. To the clients in therapy and readers who relate: I deeply admire the courage it takes to be part of this process and am proud of the growth that threads through your personal journeys.

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Written by: Gabrielle Hoang, MFT