How do I know if I'm trauma dumping?
You love the fact that you’re an “open book.” In other words, vulnerability is your strong suit. You know what it’s like to grow up in a family where important matters are pushed under a rug, and you were forced to pretend that everything was fine when things were not. Between then and now, you’re doing the important work of processing your feelings and even going to therapy! Now as you’re coming to terms with the trauma you’ve experienced, you want to make it a point to end that generational pattern of avoiding your hurt. Better yet, you want to be a beacon of light to others and share what you’ve gone through with others.
However, you’ve been noticing that you might be sharing a little *too* much with everyone around you. Not only do you find yourself comfortable being open about your trauma to your friends but also to strangers too. You may even leave conversations wondering, “Did I say too much?” or even “Did they really need to know that about me?” Whenever you share your story with some folks, you can’t help but notice some of them looking uncomfortable.
If the above sounds familiar to you, you may in fact be trauma dumping.
What is Trauma Dumping?
Trauma dumping can be defined as sharing one's trauma or emotional distress with others in a way that is overwhelming and without consideration of its impact on the listeners.
Here are some signs that you are trauma dumping:
Immediately jumping into sharing about your trauma without any gentle build up
Sharing explicit details about your trauma
Amongst your listeners are acquaintances/strangers (people you wouldn’t consider close confidants)
Talking fast without catching your breath
Minimal eye contact with your listeners as you’re sharing about your trauma (you’re not checking in with them to see what you’re sharing is landing well with them)
In simple terms, trauma dumping is sharing your trauma without consent. While your trauma is very crucial to who you are as a person, it’s also a part of your story that wreaked havoc and brought significant distress in your life. And so, it’s important to be mindful that that part doesn’t do more damage to the people around you.
Healthy Vulnerability vs. Trauma Dumping
Every part of your story is so important, and I encourage you to share and process it with others! However, it’s important to keep in mind that not everyone is ready to receive the impact of your story. While there are some that might find your story inspiring, others may not be emotionally equipped to hear about it.
Here are some key differences between Healthy Vulnerability and Trauma Dumping:
Healthy Vulnerability:
Being selective with the parts of your story that you believe is important to share
Having processed your trauma on your own before sharing it with others
Sharing sensitive details about it with close friends/family
It’s a conversation between you and your listener(s)
Trauma Dumping:
Sharing every detail without discernment
Processing your trauma in real time as you share with others
Sharing sensitive details about it with anyone
When talking about your trauma, you’re just talking at your listeners without caring for their input
What to do Instead
Here is a step-by-step guide to making sure that you’re not trauma dumping when being vulnerable with those around you:
Do your OWN work of processing first
It’s important to have a trusted support system set in place to help you make sense of what happened. Whether it be through journaling, therapy, leaning on trusted friends/family, it’s important to give yourself the time to process all the mixed emotions that come after experiencing trauma
Ask consent before your share
It’s a good idea to make a habit of asking someone permission before you share something heavy with them. My go-to script is, “I’m feeling very heavy right now. Do you have space emotionally to listen to what I have to say?” Be sure to respect your friends’ emotional boundaries if they say no.
As you share, regularly check in with your friends
As you talk, try to keep a habit of making eye contact and checking in to see if your friends are continually staying attuned to you. If you notice your friend’s demeanor changing, ask them how they are doing as they listen to your story.
Remember, it’s a conversation
Encourage your friend(s) to share their thoughts – even their story!
The line between practicing healthy vulnerability and trauma dumping can be thin, but that does not mean you should stop sharing your story! Be wise and consider your story valuable to be shared with careful consideration. The next time you want to talk about the details of your trauma with others, remember to make it a conversation. Want to process your story with a professional? Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation today.
Written by: Vithusha Selvavelautham, MA