How to Talk to your Immigrant Parents
If you are an adult child to immigrants, you know how uneasy and difficult it can be to try and attempt to have conversations with your parents. It feels easier to resort to doing things behind their backs or even lying to them. Because, let’s face it, whenever we try to tell them “No” or simply disagree with their stance on things, we’re met with these responses:
Guilt tripping: “After raising you for this long, how can you ask for such a thing like this?”
Invalidating your feelings/needs: “You don’t really need that.” “You always ask for too much.”
Unhealthy, explosive anger: “You’ll be grateful for me when I’m dead! Always asking for too much.”
Preparing for the Conversation
Whether you’re setting boundaries, making a life decision that does not align with their values, or simply prioritizing your mental health, it’s important to remember that what you’re asking for is valid. What will really help you to stand your ground when talking with your parents is to understand the importance of the boundary that you’re setting and the decision that you’re making. If you enter a confrontation with your parents while still doubting the legitimacy of your decision, the minute your parents start to push back, you’ll end up giving into them and regretting your decision later.
To help you be prepared for the expected pushback from your parents, I encourage you to create some affirmations to repeat to yourself daily! Here are some examples that I came up with:
I trust myself to make the right the decision for me
Caring for my mental health is a necessity
I’m committed to ending harmful generational cycles
Setting boundaries helps me to enjoy my relationship with my parents
Structuring the Conversation (DEAR MAN)
To help set the structure of the conversation, I’ll be using DEAR MAN, a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) tool that I provide my clients so they can have effective conversations to help them get their needs met. I’ll walk you through each aspect of DEAR MAN and adapt each letter to the context of having immigrant parents. For a sample dilemma, let’s pretend that you want to talk to your mom about her habit of trauma dumping on you every time you call her.
Describe the current SITUATION
Start off the conversation by simply describing what’s going on. Don’t share your feelings/opinions just yet! Stick to the facts and merely tell the person WHAT you’re reacting to. It may sound like this:
Hey mom. Whenever I call you, we always end up talking about your fights with dad. This has been happening every time I call you.
Express your FEELINGS and OPINIONS
Enter the conversation without assuming the other person knows how you feel. Remember, no one can read your mind. To make sure what you’re saying is landing well with the other person, use “I” statements and speak from YOUR point of view. DO NOT speak for the other person.
“Every time I leave our calls, I feel very overwhelmed. I have meetings
afterwards and I feel so drained when I go into them. When I call you, mom, I want to enjoy our conversations, but it’s hard when all our conversations are about how stressful your life is. “
Assert yourself by ASKING for what you want or SAYING NO clearly
Stand your ground by clearly stating what you need from the other person.
“Whenever I call you, please tell me that you’re not feeling stressed and ask if I have enough energy to hear more about it before you give me any more details.”
Reinforce – or reward – the person ahead of time.
Let them know the positive effects of them respecting your boundaries. For example, you can speak about how your relationship with them will improve. Or you can also speak from the other person’s values. For example, let’s say that your mom really values having a loving, enjoyable relationship with you. You can say:
“I want to enjoy talking with you mom. It’s hard that every time we talk, I leave our conversation stressed and it doesn’t make me want to talk to you. I will enjoy our talks more if I can talk to you about the exciting things in my life! As my mom, you’re the main person that I want to share these things with, but every time I leave our calls feeling like I couldn’t tell you everything that was on my mind. While I want to support you when you’re having a hard time, I also want to celebrate the good moments in my life with you too.”
If your mom values doing your job well:
“After our stressful calls, I have a hard time concentrating during my work meetings because I’m worried sick about you. It’s also hard for me to be present with you emotionally when I have a stressful work meeting afterwards. If you let me know ahead of time that you want to talk about something distressing on your mind, I can mentally prepare myself or find another time with you when I don’t have a hard day at work ahead of me. All of this is so I can listen to you well without letting other things occupy my mind.”
Mindful – Keep focus ON YOUR GOALS
Continue to maintain your position by ignoring any distractions. Continue to be a broken record. Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion repeatedly. Being consistent on where you stand lets the other person know that you are serious about it.
If the other person attacks, threatens or tries to change the subject, continue to ignore their attempts to divert you. Continuously stand your ground.
“I still need you to let me know if you need to get something off your chest before you start talking about it.”
Appear Confident
Sound and appear confident in your tone of voice and body language. This looks like standing up straight and making consistent eye contact. Avoid stammering, whispering, looking down, and retreating. Another thing to avoid is saying things like “I think”, “I’m not sure”, or “I guess I could,” etc.
Negotiate
Think about certain things that you may be willing to give in to have your needs met. Invite the other person to offer their solutions to the problem.
“How about we have a set time to talk about what’s going on between you and dad?”
If all else fails, Remember
You’re allowed to have needs and boundaries with your immigrant parents. Attempting to talk your parents and set boundaries with them shows that you're inviting them to have a cordial conversation before you set boundaries with them. If your parents fail to respect your needs, you’re allowed to set limits on your relationship with them even if they end up being unhappy about it. What I don’t encourage you to do is to ignore your needs and try to please your parents.
Want more support? Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation today to be set up with a therapist to guide you in making your decision to set boundaries!
Written by: Vithusha Selvavelautham,MA