You can't Pour from an Empty Cup

I grew up in a low-income family and having financial boundaries was something I never thought about. I always thought if I could help my family out, I had an obligation to do so, and they would do the same for me, right? That’s not always the case. 

I cared for my parents until the age of 26. I finished my college degree a few years prior, and during this time, my parents were considering a divorce. It was the height of the pandemic, and my mom wanted me to financially support my father for a few months while he looked for an apartment after they separated. I distinctly remember when the text message came in and I was immediately upset. Like many of us, I was struggling just to maintain my own well-being during the pandemic. 

As a caretaker for elderly parents, I was struggling to set boundaries trying to care for them and still prioritize myself as a young adult. I was seeing a therapist who brought up boundaries and ways I could benefit from them. So, when my mother asked for my financial help, I remembered several of my therapy sessions about setting boundaries. I even brought it up to my therapist at our next session and he explained to me how financial boundaries were no different than other boundaries. It is always about self-preservation.

 After that counseling session, I responded to my mom saying I was not comfortable with financially supporting my father. Like my therapist suggested, I prepared myself for her reaction because I knew she would be upset and disappointed in me but that wouldn't change my decision. I couldn't help them and me. My mother continued to push back and even said that as her son I should be willing to do anything for her, even if it means putting myself in debt. It was hurtful to hear but I knew I could not give in to her expectations without burning myself out in the process. 

This story is to remind you that it is ok to take care of yourself first before jumping in to help others. Start to recognize your boundaries and limits. Someone else's expectation of you is not your expectation to fulfil, even when it comes to family.

Written by: Daniel Mack