What to say when faced with intrusive questions from family members?
It’s officially the second to last month of the year. When November rolls around the weather is often colder, our lives are busier, and our thoughts tend to gravitate to the holidays. Whether we celebrate the holiday season or not, the reminders are in full effect. From decorations, to scents, to sounds we’re all welcomed into the holidays from the world around us. It’s okay to not embrace the welcome. Many of us have a complicated relationship with the holidays because of the stress and discomfort that may arise during family gatherings. Let’s talk about it.
Family gatherings around the holidays bring people together to catch up, often after a long time of not seeing one another. There’s a sense of curiosity in the air that I’d like to think as well intentioned but sometimes the impact can feel like it’s not. As you go into holiday gatherings, remember that you are allowed to share what you want about your life and if that’s not much that’s OK.
How do you repsond to inappropriate questions?
Important reminders
You can decide just how long a visit or stay you’ll have
You can take charge of the conversation or change the subject
At the end of the day, intrusive—and at times rude—questions say more about the person asking them than they do about you
Here are some possible scenarios that may come up and what you can do:
Comments about your physical appearance/weight/food choices such as:
“Did you lose/gain weight?
Are you sure you want to eat that?
Try out this (diet/routine/etc) to gain / lose weight!
Looks like you’ve gained weight”
You can:
Ignore them
Walk away
Eat at different time
Change the topic of conversation
Express → “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t comment on my food choices or body size”
Express → “I’m not looking for feedback, thanks”
2. Asks about your dating life such as:
“So, how’s it going with your partner? I don’t think/I think you should ____.
Are you still single?
Are you dating anyone? If not, I can help you find someone online/through a friend/etc.
When are you going to settle down? What are your plans?”
You can:
Ignore them
Walk away
Change the topic of conversation
Express → “I appreciate your interest. I’m not looking for dating advice at the moment but I appreciate the concern.”
Express → “I don’t want to talk about my dating life. Can we talk about _____?”
Express → “Things are going ____. Thanks for asking.”
3. Asks/comments about professional/job life such as
“When are you getting a real job?
You work too much!
How is the job search?”
You can:
Ignore them
Walk away
Change the topic of conversation
Express → “I’d appreciate it if you don’t talk about my job like that. Can we talk about something else?”
Express → “Are you worried about my finances?”
Intrusive questions can be frustrating. At the end of the day, these questions and comments say more about the person asking them than they do about you. The people asking and commenting these may:
Not know any better: they may have the intention of being helpful and not know they’re making you feel uncomfortable.
Be angry or hostile: they might ask/comment to get a rise out of you.
Be trying to connect with you: they may genuinely want to get to know you better.
What can I do during stressful situations during the holidays?
You can plan ahead of how you want to respond to possible scenarios for the holidays. Check in with yourself and how you can best take care of you and your well-being. This can include exploring what your boundaries are before you visit your family and how you can express them. You are not alone in this experience.