I'm Tired of People Pleasing.. Help me Stop!
Do you struggle with saying ‘yes’ to plans when you actually wanted to say ‘no’? Have you said ‘yes’ to your boss asking you to work on another task when you already have a laundry list of things to do? Do you say ‘sorry’ about things that are actually not your fault?
These are common scenarios for people-pleasers. People pleasers are those who go out of their own way to make others' lives easier. They’re often described as helpful and kind, which are generally considered positive attributes. However, people tend to lose sight of their own needs when frivolously giving themselves away to others.
Signs you may be a people pleaser:
You’re very agreeable
You feel a sense of responsibility for how other people feel
You say sorry often
It’s difficult to say no to people
You try your best to avoid conflict
You struggle with admitting any hurt feelings
You need praise from others to feel good about yourself
You struggle with feelings of low self-esteem
You agree to plans you don’t like or do things you don’t want to
You think about how others view you often
People pleasers hold the skills of empathetic listening, sharing thoughtful and caring feedback, and holding space for others. Although these are positive strengths in people, they can also play a large toll in how people pleasers view themselves. Someone who is described as generous may be a people pleaser who is doing a lot of work to keep others happy and is actually feeling drained and stressed.
What are the causes of people-pleasing?
Low self-esteem/self-image: Difficulty in seeing themselves as worthy and capable so they look to others for validation and praise. They may believe helping others leads to being enough and approval/acceptance.
Perfectionism: Setting extremely high expectations for themselves and feeling like nothing is ever good enough.
Past experiences: Experiences of shame such as bullying or other forms of neglect from others.
Social/Cultural Conditioning: Experiencing their family, community, or culture validating or praising people pleasing characteristics as a virtue. Traditional gender norms tend to be at play here too.
Why is people-pleasing harmful?
Putting others needs above your own can create:
Heightened stress levels → increase in feelings or symptoms of anxiety and possibly depression.
Loss of identity → struggles with identifying their own needs, opinions, and desires.
Feelings of Resentment → anger and frustration can form due to not feeling heard by others.
Risk of neglect → others may take advantage of them.
Conflict in power dynamics → it’s difficult to say ‘no’ to authority figures or be comfortable in roles of authority.
Challenges in forming and maintaining relationships → relationships may be difficult.
Feelings of being drained/tired → mental and physical tiredness.
How do I stop being a ‘people-pleaser’?
The causes of people pleasing vary so the way people go about changing their behavior depends on the cause. Past experiences including trauma and neglect can create patterns of behaviors and thought patterns that are reinforced over a number of years. That being said, the work to identify and change the behaviors takes time. With the help of a mental health professional, a support system, and self-awareness and education, you can find ways to help yourself through these challenges. To start thinking about ways to stop people pleasing, here’s a list of things you can do to jumpstart the process.
check in with yourself and ask:
Do I really want to do this?
What do I want?
How do I like to spend my time?
How can I say no?
How can I express my disagreement?
What are my needs right now?
How can I find my own voice?
Set boundaries with others
Practice/Rehearsing how to say “no”
Setting time aside for yourself and exploring your interests
Instead of saying “I can’t” to things you don’t want to do, say “I don’t want to”
Think about your goals and expectations
Refrain from saying “I’m sorry” and instead try silence or thanking others for their patience, understanding, etc.