Why Are Some People So Defensive?

Defensiveness is a common relationship issue. It can stem from fear, shame, insecurity, or past trauma. Defensiveness looks like denying responsibility, making excuses, counterattacking, or shutting down. When we take the time to understand the root cause of defensiveness, this can help break the cycle and improve communication.

What are some root causes of defensiveness?

• Fear of Rejection or Judgment: Low self-esteem can make any criticism feel like failure

• Past Trauma: Negative past experiences make people hypersensitive to conflict

• Perceived Attack on Identity: Some equate feedback with an attack on their character

• Lack of Emotional Regulation: Difficulty managing emotions leads to impulsive defensive reactions

• Cultural or Familial Conditioning: Coming from a cultural background that discourages vulnerability can lead to defensiveness

How to stop being defensive

• Self-Awareness: Recognize defensive triggers and physical responses

• Reframe Feedback: View criticism as an opportunity for growth

• Assume Positive Intent: Understand that concerns aren’t always attacks, stop personalizing everything as an attack on your character

• Validate Feelings: Acknowledge your partner’s perspective. This does not mean you are yielding or agreeing.

• Take Responsibility: Even if it is something small, take accountability for that. Model what you would like to see.

• Use “I” Statements: When you use I statements, it helps the other person listen better

• Seek Support: Therapy can help address deep-seated defensiveness

The key to dismantling defensiveness is to soften the conversation. By recognizing its causes and applying healthier communication strategies, individuals can replace defensive reactions with openness and empathy, fostering stronger relationships.

Want more support? Schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation to get matched with one of our skilled therapists today!