How to Handle Anger in a Healthy Way?
In my work with adult children of immigrants, particularly with eldest daughters, something that I often hear about is anger. I hear numerous times about how “out of control” they feel whenever they are angry. Often, they paint their anger as this monster that appears out of nowhere, causing havoc and strife to themselves and the people around them. Their anger can show up anywhere from inner bitterness all the way to screaming rage. However, once this “monster” subsides, my clients immediately find themselves encapsulated by shame and guilt.
Does this sound familiar to you? “I don’t remember myself being an angry person growing up. However, the more I see myself giving in more to the demands of everyone around me, even the ones I love, I just feel so enraged.” Every time I hear some sort of version of this, I’m always followed by this question: how do I stop being angry?
And this is my response: “It is good for you to be angry. You should be after everything you went through.”
In this post, I want to bring you to the underlying messages of what your anger might be telling you. Then, I’ll walk you through how to effectively process your anger in a way that will not cause harm to you or your interpersonal relationships.
The Villainization of Anger
This sort of fear and villainizing of anger, especially when it shows up in women of color, is to (like many other things) be blamed on societal expectations. Especially within the Asian community, a woman’s anger is seen as something purposeless and out of control. We are expected to be in the background and submit ourselves to whatever societal/family system we find ourselves in. Questioning it or challenging it can lead us to being labeled as “difficult” or “hormonal.”
Not only that, but much of our first impressions of anger were when we witnessed our dysregulated fathers and male family figures using their anger to hurt whoever ends up being the target of it. With having to grow up and see the men around us exert their anger in a way to control and hurt others, it is no wonder we are stricken with fear when we witness the very same anger within us as well.
What Your Anger is Telling you
According to Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), anger is a secondary emotion. This means that there are other emotions that underlie it. Some emotions that typically hide behind anger are:
Sadness
Disappointment
Frustration
Embarrassment
Hunger
Oftentimes you aren’t just angry. Refer to Anger Iceberg handout below to learn about some more emotions behind anger.
Anger is typically a sign that something in your environment is not right. Here are some instances as to when anger can occur:
Having an important goal blocked
Believing that you are being mistreated
Witnessing injustice being inflicted against you or someone else
Losing power, status, or respect
Pain
How to Effectively Work through your Anger
Once you’ve identified the cause behind your anger, it’s important to give yourself the time and space to fully process your anger. What you shouldn’t do is suppress it. Suppressing your anger will cause it to grow over time and eventually have it come out in harmful and unexpected ways. Here are some practical but effective ways to process your anger:
Journal – If you need some clear direction, here are some prompts:
What is something in my environment that feels off?
How do I not feel seen?
What happened in order for me to be angry?
Workout for 20 minutes before confronting someone
Vlog yourself ranting
Punch a pillow
Cry
Anger is a good emotion; hence, you don’t need to be afraid of expressing it. The next time you feel angry, I encourage you to lean into and explore it more. Ask yourself what other emotions are accompanying your anger? And what can you do to effectively change your situation?
Have you been feeling angry lately and want more support in processing it? Schedule a free 15 phone consultation today.
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Written by: Vithusha Selvavelautham, MA