How to Deal with a Dismissive Partner

“It’s not a big deal.”

“You’re making a huge fuss over this.”

“Why are you always overreacting?”

If you’ve ever heard these words from your partner, I can imagine you may have felt frustrated, hurt, or even doubtful. Were you making a big deal out of nothing? Were you being too sensitive? Emotional invalidation or dismissiveness occurs when someone belittles or disregards your emotions, leading to feelings of disconnection, isolation, and confusion about what to do next. In my work with couples, I often find that partners are unaware of the impact these statements or invalidating messages can have on their significant others. Much of the work in therapy revolves around learning how to communicate feelings effectively and how to actively listen and validate each other. As social creatures, we all want to feel understood, especially by those we are closest to. While emotional invalidation can happen in any relationship, there are ways to address it.

1. Recognize the Signs

Like many issues, understanding the problem and its impact on you is the first step toward change. Recognizing when emotional invalidation occurs and the feelings it elicits is essential for discussing it with your partner. Emotional invalidation can take many forms, including:

● Minimizing Your Emotions: "You’re being dramatic," or "There are bigger problems in the world."

● Questioning Your Feelings: "Why are you getting upset about this?"

● Withholding Communication: Giving the silent treatment when you express your emotions. Our bodies often react to things faster than our minds can process. Notice what you’re feeling, where you’re feeling it, and what these feelings are in response to. If you have trouble naming your emotions, use a feelings wheel. Once you can identify your feelings and their triggers, you’re ready to move on to the next step.

2. Communicate the Issue

Once you’ve recognized the invalidation, the next step is to communicate your feelings to your partner. Approach the conversation with gentleness and respect. Keep the following in mind:

● Timing: Choose a moment when you’re calm and ready to discuss the issue without defensiveness or hostility.

● Use “I” Statements: For example, "I feel hurt when my emotions are dismissed. I would like us to acknowledge each other’s feelings more."

3. Be Curious and Set Boundaries Together

A common issue in couples’ therapy is one partner not trying to understand the other’s feelings. There may be obstacles, but it’s important to open up the conversation and explore how each person feels about the issue. Once you’ve described the emotional invalidation you feel, remain curious and work as a team to find a resolution.

● Be Curious: Actively listen and ask questions about what they meant by their words and how they feel during the discussion.

● Establish Boundaries: What do you want more or less of next time? What about your partner?

● Express Appreciation: Thank them for listening and hearing you out.

Much of the work in couples involves improving communication around the issues they face. Changing fixed patterns is not easy, even when we desperately want to. When faced with emotional invalidation, I hope you can recognize and communicate how you’re feeling. This work may not be easy, but it’s necessary for building a more fulfilling relationship. Interested in starting couples therapy? Schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation today!

Written by: Gabrielle Hoang, MFT